On the 19th December 2020, we will be to going-ahead with our annual fundraising event Vorsprung’s Track 10k/5k Winter Fundraising Run. This year a 5k run, with the introduction of virtual events simultaneously taking place in Des Moines (USA), Dublin (Eire), north London (England) and various other UK venues to accompany our own Aberystwyth (Wales) venue.
We chose the pre-festive season for a very particular reason. Statistics show, that, there is a higher rate of loneliness, depression and suicide at this time of year. With the event just before Xmas, we are holding-out a hand to show support to anyone who might need it.
Support can come in many different forms. Simply calling people on the telephone to chat or listen; helping someone with daily tasks that can feel insurmountable; offering solutions to problems; being there to share a moment listening to music together, cooking and sharing food; or sharing one’s interests or hobbies.
The important thing is for people to feel heard, validated and valued.
My own personal interest in this event stems from years of suffering severe depression and multiple depression-related suicide attempts in my younger years.
The event is more salient for me, this year, because of three attempts to kill myself in March 2020.
With ‘lockdown’ in place, the bizarre world we are living through at the moment, in some ways, became a saviour for me. Although, I don’t look at it in those terms, I have loved ‘lockdown’. One of my heroes, whose work has shaped both GAIA and Vorsprung, the eminent psychologist R. D. Laing, once said of a mental breakdown, that, ‘it is not so much a breakdown, as a breakthrough’.
He believed, as I do, that it is a signal to change something in one’s life, to adapt and re-direct energies. My life, ever since finding the works of Laing, has been a series of managing changes in directions in anticipation of a depressive episode or breakdown.
However, in March something different happened.
I was not depressed (however hard that is for some people to comprehend); I was not ‘freaked-out’ by the predicted global viral situation; I was not perturbed by the ‘lockdown’ requirements, as I spend most of my time in the studios working or at home anyway. I was, however, confronted with the feeling of being tired of life.
My ‘being’ has always been in conflict with the western modern world, whether politically, spiritually, ethically, morally, artistically or otherwise. But, I have also had the additional fight, in recent years, to manage a depleting body ravished by Psoriatic Arthritis (PsA).
PsA is a complex disease with a myriad of associated symptoms. Add to this the inevitable realisation, that, I have come from being a competitive athlete (able to perform superhuman feats) to a body that is unable to perform the simplest of daily tasks.
PsA, can be the worst form of Arthritis, and the fast deterioration. Just within the last few months, I have lost the full use of my hands and gripping ability. Associated ailments have descended, as if they had been waiting like aircrafts in a ‘stacking’ procedure over the airport runway: lower-back stenosis, achilles tendonosis, dupuytren's contracture, metatarsalgia, hearing loss, depression, severe fatigue, loss of vision, deterioration of internal organs…
At that time in March, seeing the loss of so much of what I love to do and the lose of ability to do the work that keeps me pertinent as a person and individual, plus the exacerbated degradation of one’s physical abilities, coupled with a myriad of other issues too convoluted to go into here, I actually felt at ease with it being a time to die.
For many, in the west, ‘lockdown’ has given them the opportunity to re-assess, re-evaluate and re-address their life and work balance.
However, it presented me with other challenges.
For many who read this, much will be incomprehensible. I have, over many years, heard all the usual outcries: ‘this makes me so angry!’; ‘think of your family and friends’; ‘how selfish of you!’; ‘what a waste of talent’; ‘how could you do this when others die who had wanted to live?’
None of these judgemental phrases or attitudes come from anyone, I regard, as intelligent or insightful.
For me, now, I am dealing with guilt and shame.
The shame of having failed and the guilt for having failed. I wouldn’t expect anyone to understand this. As Laing talks about in his work, ‘we all follow patterns of behaviour and conversation’ and I have just thrown a curve-ball into that pattern. The usual expectation is, that, someone who has attempted and failed to kill themselves should feel guilty for attempting it and ashamed for contemplating it. But, for me, there is shame in failing and guilt for not fulfilling my own moral and ethical standards.
So, the 19th December Vorsprung Fundraising 10k/5k Winter Run has added layers of relevance and break-throughs, for me. Whether I am able to run in it, or even there to witness it, is not relevant. That there is such an event. That there are people who are willing to stand-up and show their support (even if they don’t fully comprehend) is of more relevance to me right now.
So, thank you to those who have signed-up to take part (or hoping to take-part), in Aberystwyth, Dublin, Des Moines, London and otherwhere.
https://www.vorsprung.org.uk/Latest%20News/
Vranek.
Founder of The Vorsprung Project
[For more details about the event and how to take part contact: help@vorsprung.org.uk.] 